The Truth About the 5 Stages of Grief - They Fit No One's Actual Experience

Still grieving after a year (or 3 or 5)? You’re not alone. And you’re not doing it wrong. Here’s what to know.

The World Wants a Timeline for Your Pain

“How long until you feel better?” my sister asked, two months after my son Jackson died.

She wanted to prepare herself, to know what to expect, and when to be concerned if I wasn’t “making enough progress.”

My therapist gave a long, clinical answer, but in short: I might feel “consistently better” around the one-year mark.

That rule of thumb? It’s based on… absolute nonsense.

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The One-Year Myth

At the one-year point, there’s still TREMENDOUS pain. Turmoil. Crying. Anguish. All the raw, overwhelming emotions that come with deep grief.

So why do so many people think grief has a predictable timeline?

Because most people don’t understand grief.

Grief isn’t something you study ahead of time. You only learn about it by living through it. And once you do, you find out quickly: the world doesn’t get it. Sometimes, even therapists don’t.

Grievers learn to hide their feelings. They sense the discomfort in others and they carry the burden silently.

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The Problem with the “5 Stages”

It all goes back to a common misunderstanding: The 5 Stages of Grief.

You’ve probably heard them - Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance (DABDA). Supposedly, once you complete them, you’re done. You’ve healed. You’ve “moved on.”

But here’s what most people don’t know: those stages weren’t meant to describe grief at all. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross developed them to describe the emotional process of terminally ill patients facing their own deaths, not bereaved people mourning a loss. (She published her findings in her book On Death and Dying in 1969).

Unfortunately, the 5 stages idea stuck around and has been misapplied to grief ever since.

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This Misunderstanding Hurts Grievers

Because the stages end with “acceptance,” there’s this harmful implication that grief ends, too. That there’s a final destination where you're over it. Done.

This false belief gives non-grievers unrealistic expectations of how people in grief “should” behave.

And this creates pressure on grievers.

Pressure to be okay. Pressure to stop talking about it. Pressure to act like your world didn’t implode.

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If You're Still Grieving, You’re Not Broken

If you feel lost, stuck, alone, still sad, but unsure why… it’s not because something’s wrong with you.

You’re not grieving “too long.” You’re not doing it wrong.

You’re simply still loving someone who isn’t here.

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You Can Move Forward Without “Moving On”

Here’s the big takeaway: You can move forward after loss. But that doesn’t mean you “move on.”

Perhaps you’re thinking, “Are you sure Jennifer? I just don’t see how that could be true.”

Yes. I’ve been walking this road for more than 20 years. I still cry when I hear Rod Stewart sing, “Have I told you lately that I love you?”

And just a few months ago I cried my eyes out watching the scene in Top Gun when the medics insisted Maverick let go of Goose’s dead body… “Sir, you have to let him go now.” Why couldn’t they just let him hold on a little longer?

My tears don’t mean I’m depressed. Or in denial. They mean I loved. And I still do.

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Grief Isn’t a Disorder

When I cry, it’s not a sign of mental illness or “Prolonged Grief Disorder.” It’s a natural outpouring of love.

I’ve accepted that Jackson is gone. I live a joyful, meaningful life.

But I’m never going to wake up one day and think, “You know what? I’m totally fine that Jackson isn’t here and I don’t even miss him anymore.”

Because love never ends. And so, neither does grief.

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But What About the Pain, Does It Ever End?

It’s a fair question.

No, the pain doesn’t ever fully disappear. But here’s the hope: you can let go of pain without letting go of your loved one. That’s not just poetic. It’s real.

(Learn more about how that’s possible here.)

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Grief Changes—and So Does Love

Over time, pain softens. But love grows even stronger. Grief will always visit on occasion. The love, though… that stays. Constant. Grounding. Healing.

It becomes your comfort. Your companion.

A balm to your soul.

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Article footnote: Alan Wolfelt, grief expert, wrote an excellent article challenging the PGD diagnoses. You can read the whole article here. But here’s a snippet:

“First, the term “prolonged” implies that one year is sufficient for deep grief, but this is an arbitrary cutoff. The truth is that there is no timetable to healing in grief. Besides, working toward reconciling grief waits on welcome, not on time. And second, the term “disorder” shames grievers at the very moment when what they need most is affirmation, empathy, and compassion.”

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If this article brought you comfort or clarity, and you’d like to support my work, you can do so below. Your support helps me continue offering healing words to those who need them.

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👉 If you’re feeling isolated in your grief, grief support texts can help - donation-based, no pressure, just presence.

👉 Or, if you’re craving something deeper, explore my Grief Guide program. A personal, one-on-one, writing-based journey of healing and connection. Learn more here.

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Grief doesn’t come with instructions. If you’re carrying grief, or supporting someone who is, this book offers a place to start.

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Get my FREE email course when you subscribe. “How to Shut Down the Unrelenting Question, “Why God?” is an in-depth analysis of the real cause of suffering and next steps for moving forward… steps that honor your loved one instead of asking you to forget.

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I’m glad you’re here 😊

Jennifer