When “How are you?” Feels Harder to Answer than a Million-Dollar Question
When “I’m fine” is a lie, try this.
The Dreaded Question
Do you ever freeze when someone asks, “How are you?”
I do.
The other night, with a sizzling beef fajita platter on the table between us, my cousin Mike peered through the onion-scented wafts of steam and hit me with the question.
“So, how are you?”
I paused. Shook my head. Sighed. Paused some more. The only honest answer that wanted to tumble out was, “I don’t know.”
Strange, right? Not knowing how I’m doing?
The truth is, not knowing—or more precisely, not bothering to think about how I’m doing—is a habit with me. Staying busy is my default setting, a coping skill I inherited and then perfected after my son died in 2003. It’s a habit I still wrestle with to this day.
“I Don’t Know” Means…
In my quest to live a happy and meaningful life after my son died and to make a difference in the world, I’ve become like the Energizer Bunny hyped up on Sour Patch Kids. But sometimes the constant activity keeps me from important things like resting and reflecting.
If you don’t know how you’re doing, here are a few possible reasons:
You might not want to think about it.
You haven’t stopped moving long enough to check in with yourself.
You don’t want to sound like a whiner.
Or maybe, you don’t want to tell the truth which is - “I’m not good.”
So I told my cousin, “I don’t know HOW I’m doing. I only know WHAT I’m doing—working my butt off, which is nothing new. But to what end… who knows?”
I laid it out: running my non-profit, juggling my coaching business (solo, by the way 😳), and trying to finish my book. He just nodded and said, “You’ve always been this way.”
Flipping the Script
I don’t like complaining. I don’t like admitting that I’m tired, scattered, unfocused, or possibly even mentally unwell. So I pivoted. I told Mike about a quote I’d read that encouraged me… to keep marching ahead:
“Success is liking who you are, liking what you do, and liking how you do it.”
— Maya Angelou
I do like who I am, what I do, and how I do it. So by this definition, I’m a success—even if I don’t always feel it, even if the “payoff” isn’t obvious yet.
“Most importantly,” I said, "I know I'm helping people ... every day." At this point I sat up taller, rolled my shoulders back and down, and flashed my cousin a smile.
Mike smiled back, happy to see the shift in me… how my posture and energy changed.
I have to believe I’m planting seeds with every effort, trusting that they’ll sprout and grow in their own time.
Hard Lessons
So what’s the takeaway?
Life is hard.
Things worth doing are usually hard.
We don’t get a roadmap for the tough stuff—not even a GPS notification for the next exit.
Confusion and overwhelm… Completely normal.
What comes next? Honestly, I have no idea. But I’m committed to forging ahead, Energizer Bunny style… stomping in my pink flip flops and pounding on my drum… even though the path is unclear and the outcome is uncertain.
And you?
I hope you’ll do the same.
Life after loss is harder than hard, and there’s no map to point you in the “right” direction.
But if you’re still taking steps, however large or small, still working toward healing, meaning, and purpose, that’s enough.
Final Answer
So, the next time someone asks, “How are you?” and it feels more impossible to answer than the final question on “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?”… remember…
It’s okay if you don’t have a handy answer, much less a conveniently pleasant or simple answer.
You may not win a million dollars, but whether you’re feeling defeated or determined, buried or planted, your honest answer is the best answer - because it opens the door to an honest conversation.
So tell me—what do you say when “How are you?” feels impossible to answer? I’d love to hear what works for you (or what didn’t).
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Jennifer