Journey from Gutted to Glorious
Joy and peace are miracles. Twenty years ago, I thought I might never have either of them ever again.
Origins
I got the call shortly after eating my Lean Cuisine lunch on Tuesday, June 3, 2003. My intercom buzzed and the receptionist said, “Your babysitter on line 2.”
I'd only been back to work a few weeks so you'd think I would have immediately panicked, assuming the worst. I didn’t… my default was to assume everything was fine until shown otherwise.
I picked up the phone calmly, having no idea those were the final seconds separating the before and the after.
Missy screamed, “Jackson went down for a nap and he was asleep a long time so mom checked on him and he wasn't breathing. We called 911 and they’re here now.”
I don’t know what I said, something along the lines of “WHAT??? Is he breathing now? Did they revive him? What’s happening?”
Missy said, “I don’t know, they’re outside in the ambulance. I don’t understand. He was having a great day. Everything was normal.”
She rambled on for far too long and every second brought me closer to the truth.
After a few minutes she said the ambulance was leaving and going to the children’s hospital.
I raced to the hospital and got the news I knew was coming - my baby didn’t start breathing again. He was gone.
Gutted Begins Here
Never could I have imagined the crushing pain that took over my life that day or the length of time it would last.
I’m a pragmatic, problem-solving person so I wasted no time trying to figure out 1) how to survive and 2) how to be happy again someday.
I read books. I journaled. I joined a SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) support group. I went back to work after a week because I couldn’t sit home and cry 24/7.
That old ridiculous saying “Time heals all wounds” … it’s not true. The mere fact of time passing by does not heal wounds. Effort and intention and work and choosing to heal … that’s what heals.
I did the grief work I had to do to survive and function. But then I shoved the rest of my grief into a box and slammed the lid shut. I had 2 subsequent children to raise and I focused all my energy on providing them with a stable, safe, and happy home.
My grief and pain were shut up in that box for a decade. They tried to come out but I didn't have the time or energy so I kept the lid closed. I sat on the box like it was one of those old crank toys, where a bouncing clown head with an accordion neck jumps out and startles you.
I was doing OK. Overall I felt happy, grateful, and content. Why let the clown pop out now?
Holding on to False Beliefs
I didn't realize the unresolved pain, the deep wound buried within me... it had me holding on to false beliefs:
▶️ Life was good… good enough
▶️ Lingering sadness and pain were just a fact of life... there's nothing that can be done about that kind of ache in your soul
I once heard Rick Warren say, "The devil doesn't use your weaknesses against you... He uses your strengths."
Wow, ain't that the truth. I'm incredibly independent, which in many areas of life is a good thing. But my independent nature is extreme... it's obnoxious. And this is why, with few exceptions, I didn't open up to people or share my story or ask anyone for help. Besides, I thought I'd already done everything that could be done.
So, another 7 years went by... with all those feelings still in the box.
Thankfully, there's one thing stronger than my desire to do all things on my own... my desire to help people in need. (I know, the irony... "No, No, I don't need help. But really, you should let me help you." 😳)
Glorious Unfolding
In 2020, to help a client with her unresolved grief, I signed up to be certified as a grief recovery specialist. This was my miracle moment. I sat in a room full of strangers and did what I didn't think I needed to do... I shared my story, and I cried, a lot. And that was just the first day.
Grief recovery is much more than telling your story and allowing yourself to feel and honor pain. Of course I had done that before, at various times with support groups, friends, and family. Grief recovery is a comprehensive, step-by-step process to address all the loss/trauma events in your life that have been left incomplete and thus continue to cause intense emotional (and sometimes physical) pain.
Before my training, I had no idea how much loss and trauma people experience in life without actually addressing it or dealing with it. We just try to get over it as quickly as possible because that's what people expect us to do.
Grief recovery gave me a safe space and dedicated period of time to acknowledge those old wounds and attend to them. Much of the work in the program is done with a partner and mine was a beautiful human with a gentle spirit and milk chocolate brown eyes named EdRicardo.
We sat facing each other in black metal chairs with ivory cushioned seats, a box of kleenex on the floor between us. Clusters of other groups were spread out around the room.
I shared with EdRicardo every loss and major challenge I had experienced in life. I told him about childhood heartaches, failed relationships and marriages, raising a child with a developmental disorder, the death of my father, and the death of my son.
We cried, tears pouring from our eyes in silent sobs, snot running out of our noses to join the tears and journey across our lips, down our chins, dropping off and splashing in our laps.
Those tears... they were sacred tears of holy healing... ushering in the miracles of profound joy and whispers of peace.
I wanted to share this story in case you doubt the possibility that you can experience deep healing and that life can be much better than good. I hope this story ignited a spark of hope in you (or fanned an existing flame).
You have the ability to heal and move forward on your journey, from gutted all the way to glorious.
Or maybe you’d rather…
If not, no worries! I’m glad you’re here 😊
💡 Grief Relief Texts (for Hope, Help, and Healing (FREE 🤍) (Sample Texts)
💡 FREE ebook - 3 Things to Answer “WHY did you let this bad thing happen God?”
💡 Got a question? Send me a message on Voxer
💡 Learn About Grief Transformation Coaching
